“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure…”
– Marianne Williamson
Want to shoot out a quick post, to put my thoughts into words. I’ve been journaling, which is nice, but I haven’t written anything for this damn site in forever and really that’s where my thoughts should be going! I’m wasting all my good material on myself, haha. So, world, I apologize – you will now be subjected to a lot of unfiltered, unpolished thoughts.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this site and about my hopes and dreams of becoming a full-time blogger, writing e-books and getting hired to write for others, traveling, speaking, making a difference. I love dreaming about these things and I do, often. The problem is, I can’t seem to get myself to sit down and actually do it. Every time I think about writing something or working on a site redesign, I become paralyzed and end up usually watching TV instead, and go back to daydreaming about being successful.
Part of the problem is that I’m a perfectionist – I can’t just blast out a blog post, I have to meticulously build one over weeks or months (which is why this spontaneous post is kind of landmark for me). I don’t want to write for the site to drive traffic because I don’t like the design, even though I always knew this design was temporary and mainly done just to get the site up and running. I get inspired to write about something but then I think it won’t be good or original enough so I stop before I start.
But really, the truth is that I’m afraid of both success and failure, in equal measure. I’m afraid to really try, because as long as I’m not really trying, I can’t be failing. I can always say that there were things I didn’t do, and that’s why it didn’t work, not because I wasn’t good enough or people didn’t like what I have to offer. If I officially fail, if I find out that I have nothing to offer the world, my dreams will die and I will have nothing to give me that rush of hope after a long workday of doing things for other people.
On the flip side, I have to admit that there is a squishy, vulnerable part of me deep down, a part I am desperate to hide from everyone, that still doesn’t believe I deserve success. So if I try and it works, my achievements will be a fraud. I feel that way a lot – when people tell me I’m pretty, when I get recognized at work, when I’m told I have nice skin. Hearing those things makes my skin crawl, like there’s an alien me underneath my shell, faking the whole thing, trying to assimilate and go unnoticed. I want to scream sometimes, and say, “How can you say that? How can you not see how fat/weak/ugly/different I am?!”
I’ve been staring at this truth for a little while. I’ve been doing some self-discovery, there’s hope. I’ve learned a lot of these feelings stem from two monstrously influential places: my dysfunctional upbringing and a mild case of body dysmorphic disorder (stay tuned kids, more on that later!). I learned adult children of alcoholics often feel different, have a hard time completing projects, struggle with knowing what’s normal and therefore overly sensitive about doing the wrong thing – all things I’ve been crippled by, all things that have made me feel useless and confused my whole adult life.
So I have hope. I have a direction. I have something to focus on that isn’t just me being weak and a loser. I have something more specific I can bring to a therapist than, “I’m tired and I feel disconnected.” Knowing that it’s not all my fault helps tremendously – knowing that it’s in my power to change gives me courage and strength. I don’t feel (as much) like I’m battling myself anymore, I feel like I’m battling what happened to me. I have more compassion for myself.
I don’t have a real purpose in this post, other than to share my honest feelings and maybe connect with others who are feeling the same way. I’m also hoping to write a lot about my discoveries in hopes that someone else reading might one day have the same epiphany as me and find hope in realizing where their issues originated.
Nichole, I stumbled upon your blog today while searching for a vegan dinner recipe and happened to read this post. It really hit home with me. It sums up so many of my very own feelings and ones that I have been struggling with for the last few years. I believe I am a step or two behind you because I have not really identified the root cause for my issues. I have some theories, but have never really been able to nail it down. I quit my job two years ago to “pursue my dreams” and have yet to take more than a baby step. I definitely share your fear of both success and failure and it frustrates me. As you probably know, it’s a difficult place to be and an even more difficult place to rise out of. Thanks for posting this… it reminds me that I am not alone and that I should have hope.
Thank you so much for writing this, Michelle. I was hoping my words would find somebody who feels the same way I do. I am 31 years old and in a lot of ways I still feel like a kid, due to feeling strangely out-of-control of my own life. From what I’ve learned so far, I think a lot of this stems from my home environment as a child.
As I enter therapy and (hopefully) take steps to get out of this stagnation, I’ll keep
posting on my progress and share anything helpful that I’ve learned. Stop by the site from time to time to share how you are doing, or feel free to email me at: nichole@veganspin.com. I’d love to hear more of your story – for instance, what is your dream job? What are your theories about why you are stuck? Hope you are having a good day, don’t be a stranger!
Nichole, I stumbled upon your blog today while searching for a vegan dinner recipe and happened to read this post. It really hit home with me. It sums up so many of my very own feelings and ones that I have been struggling with for the last few years. I believe I am a step or two behind you because I have not really identified the root cause for my issues. I have some theories, but have never really been able to nail it down. I quit my job two years ago to “pursue my dreams” and have yet to take more than a baby step. I definitely share your fear of both success and failure and it frustrates me. As you probably know, it’s a difficult place to be and an even more difficult place to rise out of. Thanks for posting this… it reminds me that I am not alone and that I should have hope.
Thank you so much for writing this, Michelle. I was hoping my words would find somebody who feels the same way I do. I am 31 years old and in a lot of ways I still feel like a kid, due to feeling strangely out-of-control of my own life. From what I’ve learned so far, I think a lot of this stems from my home environment as a child.
As I enter therapy and (hopefully) take steps to get out of this stagnation, I’ll keep
posting on my progress and share anything helpful that I’ve learned. Stop by the site from time to time to share how you are doing, or feel free to email me at: nichole@veganspin.com. I’d love to hear more of your story – for instance, what is your dream job? What are your theories about why you are stuck? Hope you are having a good day, don’t be a stranger!
Thank you so much for writing this, Michelle. I was hoping my words would find somebody who feels the same way I do. I am 31 years old and in a lot of ways I still feel like a kid, due to feeling strangely out-of-control of my own life. From what I’ve learned so far, I think a lot of this stems from my home environment as a child.
As I enter therapy and (hopefully) take steps to get out of this stagnation, I’ll keep
posting on my progress and share anything helpful that I’ve learned. Stop by the site from time to time to share how you are doing, or feel free to email me at: nichole@veganspin.com. I’d love to hear more of your story – for instance, what is your dream job? What are your theories about why you are stuck? Hope you are having a good day, don’t be a stranger!
Nichole, I stumbled upon your blog today while searching for a vegan dinner recipe and happened to read this post. It really hit home with me. It sums up so many of my very own feelings and ones that I have been struggling with for the last few years. I believe I am a step or two behind you because I have not really identified the root cause for my issues. I have some theories, but have never really been able to nail it down. I quit my job two years ago to “pursue my dreams” and have yet to take more than a baby step. I definitely share your fear of both success and failure and it frustrates me. As you probably know, it’s a difficult place to be and an even more difficult place to rise out of. Thanks for posting this… it reminds me that I am not alone and that I should have hope.
Two things for you to consider:
1. Impostor syndrome/Impostor phenomenon. Look it up.
2. Nothing can happen until you swing the bat.
I’ve never heard of this syndrome before, the description does hit
pretty close to home. More food for thought as I try to become who I
should be. Thanks Chessmaster!
Two things for you to consider:
1. Impostor syndrome/Impostor phenomenon. Look it up.
2. Nothing can happen until you swing the bat.
I’ve never heard of this syndrome before, the description does hit pretty close to home. More food for thought as I work towards becoming who I should be. Thanks Chessmaster!
I’ve never heard of this syndrome before, the description does hit pretty close to home. More food for thought as I work towards becoming who I should be. Thanks Chessmaster!
Two things for you to consider:
1. Impostor syndrome/Impostor phenomenon. Look it up.
2. Nothing can happen until you swing the bat.
Us adult children of alcoholics are sensitive creatures, aren’t we? However, I also believe that our experiences have given us incredible strength. Despite starting life with the deck stacked against you, you’re a kind, wonderful person who has so much to offer. I’m proud of you. : )
You’re the best, little one :x
I agree, there’s a lot of strength in what we’ve gone through, and I think it gives us a remarkable capacity for empathy and compassion.
Wow! I was browsing on instagram looking for vegan inspirations and I stumbled across your blog. I never ever felt connected to a stranger with common life circumstances. You have put some of feelings and thoughts on your blog! I would love to here more of your reflections…..
Diana, thank you so much for your comment. I apologize my response is so late, I thought I already got back to you. I really appreciate the support, posting stuff like this feels like standing naked in front of the world, so hearing positive feedback is invaluable and helps me to stay brave. I’ve been working on posting more frequently, I’ve got a bunch of drafts of different ideas just waiting to be polished.
Are you vegan? Are there any particular topics you would like to hear about?