Down the highway, down the tracks, down the road to ecstasy; I followed you beneath the stars hounded by your memory and all your raging glory. – Bob Dylan
Attached Book Review
I just read Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love and I can’t stop talking about it! I have a shelf on Goodreads called “life-changing” and this book is on it.
Attached looks at adult attachment and how it affects our romantic relationships. It delves into the three attachment styles: anxious, avoidant and secure:
- Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back
- Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.
- Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.
This is just from the back cover folks. I was reading this book in the backyard of my apartment building in a bikini on a lounge chair, bawling my eyes out by page 10. It was…quite the scene.
I strongly encourage anyone who has struggled with relationship issues to read this. I think it’s an interesting read for anyone, but especially if you don’t understand why the people you love don’t stay…or why you don’t stay with the people you love. It’s an easy read, I finished the book in two days. My favorite thing about Attached is how comprehensive it is – the book is based on science but is delivered in an easily digestible format that doesn’t feel too self-helpy.
The biggest thing I took away from Attached is that it’s ok (preferable, actually) to ask for what I want and not be ashamed of it, right from the start. I’m the anxious attachment style – I want someone who is looking for a commitment, up front about their feelings, and is consistent. If someone is avoidant, they will NEVER give me those things. Better to find out immediately that they will break my heart than to hand them my heart and watch them break it.
I realize now that my brief romantic involvements this year (and, in fact, my whole life) have all been with avoidants, leaving me with an aching chasm of need in my heart. A lifetime of reaching out and grasping air has left me feeling empty and confused. This is why I was crying by page 10. Attached touched my pain and said, “There there, now. It doesn’t have to be this way. Here’s how you fix it.” I’m still stumbling, adopting the practices outlined in the book is easier said than done, but I feel more optimistic and a lot less lost than I have in my whole life.
Let me know if you read Attached, and what you think of it!